by one odd step at a time

Here.  I don’t mean CT.  I don’t mean this picture perfect little town of Wilton.  More precise.  Hmmm…am I referring to state of mind?  But that’s so cliche, right?  Yes…but I have such severe cramps right now and cliche is easy…I need easy…sometimes, you just need easy.  But getting to my current state of mind was not easy.  This is some of the steps it included: a ten day fast with daily colonics…yes, daily colonics while drinking a gel 4 times a day that expanded in your intestines so to attach itself to the mucoid plaque so it could be flushed out the next day.  I will never do it again…I did it because I was afraid of it.  I was more afraid of drinking that clay drink with the consistency of mud than that tube up my woo hoo and watching uneaten lettuce go into a pump inside the wall.  Yes…odd first step.  Another: I went to Ashram in Oregon…which is the inspiration to this post…because this past weekend was exactly a year since my trip to Portland where I raked a zen garden and harvested my first radishes from their plentiful garden.  It was a year ago that I pushed boundaries like no other…I tracked down the fireman.  (and those who know my secrets, know exactly who the fireman is…the beautiful fireman who drove the motorcycle) And like I keep telling everyone…one day I will write the R rated version to this blog…like  Jenny Joseph’s poem “When I’m old I shall wear purple”…maybe I’m old fashion and surmise that a girl should still have her secrets or maybe (which I think may be more of the truth) it’s for another time…(but will say this…zen can be found in more ways than yoga).  And then I returned from Portland and started to research my return to LMU to finish a degree that exhausted my shoulders but it’s weight needed to come off.  But I truly believe that each time I pushed myself…put myself in situations that were uncertain…I was able to open the next door…another one that had been boarded up all other times when I had looked upon it.  I took college math.  It scared me but I went to every office hour and I showed up for myself.  I got a beautiful curvaceous C.  I drove across country with a little dog.  I found an apartment without having a job.  I started to seek out different paths in life.  Hmmm, would I want to be a landscape architect?  But I didn’t really care about why a half dead bush was half dead outside my back door…and so I then I kept asking myself questions and I wish I could tell you when I asked myself about speech pathology…but I don’t know…but it all made sense…all at once.

And so now, I am looking at grad schools where I need to take the GRE packed with math and classes packed with Anatomy and Physiology.  But it all makes sense even though on paper, it doesn’t…where it’s supposed to.  But it makes sense it my being.  My path has always been to be of service to others like Laura reminded me.

I always said that I would never move back to the south…I’m looking into the University of Memphis.  What if after 16 years, I’m finally only an hour and a half away from Kathryn?  Even more, what if after 16 years…I just needed to come full circle to find my straight path?